This summer was confusing, beautiful, stressful, and peaceful all at the same time. I learned more about myself in the past two months than I have in the last two years. For the first time I took a step back from my life of service and found that I, alone, was a little lost. I was faced with the reality that I had been doing so much for others that somewhere along the way I had forgotten how to live for myself. This summer I simply put aside my extra responsibilities and enjoyed what seemed to be the longest, easiest break I have had in quite a while. I got to see family in France that I hadn't seen in over 6 years, I was always in the company of close friends, and I spent time with someone who made me imagine the possibility of being in a relationship for the first time in my college career. All these feelings and emotions that I thought didn't exist poured out of me faster than I could reflect on them. However, even amidst this new and exciting time I took for myself I could not shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
This school year, I am taking on a new position at the University as the Senator of Sustainability for our student government. Since freshman year I knew I wanted to run for office, but I kept pushing it off because of my other leadership roles both on and off campus. However it wasn't until this summer, as I completed my training for Associated Students, that I began to understand just how much I was going to have to give up in order to move forward with this opportunity. Very reluctantly I realized that in order to stay on top of my 16 academic units, continue my work at the Center for Community Engagement, spend quality time with my friends and family, and be fully committed to my responsibility of representing the students of my university, I would unfortunately have to let go of a lot of my involvement in the community. No matter how much I enjoy volunteering at Food for Thought every Saturday morning, or feel invincible every time I run with the Team in Training Program of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, or love the feeling of getting dirt in my fingernails at the Global Student Embassy and Sonoma Student Grower's Cooperative gardens, I sadly do not have enough time in the week to do it all.
For quite some time before school started I was so upset with myself. I could not understand why I was in such a slump or why I could not put my thoughts into words like I used to. I tried to convince myself it was because I had been away from school for so long and because I wasn't in my usual routine. However, deep down I knew that what was really hurting me was the fact that pretty soon the service and communities that have made me who I am today, and have always influenced my decisions, were no longer going to be as relevant in my life. I am not going to be the one giving hugs to clients that need them on Saturday mornings anymore. I am not going to be the one in the garden demonstrating to the kids how to plant seeds or teaching them how to see the beauty of every insect and critter in the soil. I will not be raising money for patients suffering from Leukemia or Lymphoma. I will not be directly working with those who need me and even as I type this it makes me cry. I think of all the people who will leave these agencies while I am gone, I think of all the friendships that I will miss out on, and I think about those who will pass away without getting to hear how much I care about them. There will be people at every one of these organizations that I will never see again and I am really struggling to accept that.
I have come to accept that I will no longer be the face of these groups that have held such an important place in my identity, and now I ask myself, "Who am I besides a volunteer and a student?"
Who am I as just a person?
What amazes me is that only a few months ago I was the most confident and fearless person I knew. I knew my priorities and my ambitions, and I knew exactly who I wanted to be and how I was going to become that person. At the CSUnity Conference in Chico this past August, they asked us the most simple leadership and personal development questions that I have both heard and answered a million times. However this time I was at a loss for words. This summer, even questions as simple as "what are your hobbies?" made me nervous. The hobbies that I used to talk about were no longer significant in my life, and the recreational activities like dance and tennis that used to take up the majority of my time now have absolutely no allocation in my schedule. I cannot remember the last time I stepped foot on a tennis court and for the past two years I have dreamed of being in one the University's dance showcases but I always had to tell myself "no." I would have to sacrifice something else that I cared about to participate. For the first time I realized that I am tired of trying to convince myself that my desires and my livelihood come second after my responsibilities.
I have invested so much of my time into service that I had actually started to forget about the importance of being relatable. This new awareness was the biggest influence on my growth this summer. I have begun to realize that the immense amount of pressure I put on myself to get straight As, the commitment I have to spending my free time volunteering, and my choice to neglect taking time for myself, friends and family, could actually be standing in the way of my ability to connect with people. For many of my peers, their romantic relationship is one of the most significant parts of their everyday lives. I too desire the affection and comfort of romance, but this was actually something that I chose to sacrifice. I felt like my jobs, school, and activism were more important than my personal aspiration for love. I am an incredibly busy person, but what excuse is that for not taking the time to share a relationship with someone I want to be with? Part of becoming relatable is allowing yourself to indulge in the common pleasures of life, including relationships, spending time with friends, and taking care of yourself.
My values and passions have not changed, but my allocation of energy and priorities have. I think back to winning the Student Volunteer of the Year Award for 2014 and sometimes I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I am no longer that person. How can I still express my passion for helping others or tell people how important and empowering volunteering is, if I am not doing the incredible amount of work that I was? I realized that in order to be not only relatable but a great volunteer too, I absolutely need to take care of myself first. I loved volunteering at the food bank every Saturday morning and I love dedicating my time to organizations that appreciate me, but would people even see these as noble acts if they knew it was at the cost of my own needs and my relationships?
I have learned that taking time for myself is the next step to becoming the best leader and activist I can possibly be. I feel incredibly fortunate to have discovered this lesson so early on in my work, and I can only imagine the pain of those who have completely lost themselves in the hopes of better serving others. Our world needs leaders, but the world does not need leaders who will sacrifice their desire to have a family, friends, lovers, hobbies, and dreams of their own to help others. Now I am not even sure that truly selfless acts of service are in anyone's best interest.
Now when I look back at my experience at the Geography of Hope: Women and the Land Conference, it makes me so sad to think about how much that day affected me. I remember being extremely upset at some of the women because they chose to talk about themselves during our discussion. I felt like they were selfish to bring up their own accomplishments at a conference that was supposed to be about all of us working together. As I reflect I am starting to understand their perspective. They were talking about their lives, not about the people they had helped or the great organizations they worked at. They were talking about their individual realities. The hardship, the challenges, and the joys that each of them had experienced in their own lives. I always believed that in order to best serve the needs of others I had to sacrifice my own desire for reassurance and comfort so I could fully give them to someone else. Now I see how wrong it is to try and separate those needs from my work. The most inspirational and passionate leaders are successful because of their ability to balance personal needs and the needs of others. I want to be someone that others look up to and want to be friends with, regardless of if I am in my leadership mode. There is more to me than being a volunteer and an activist. I am also a daughter and a friend and a human being; all characteristics which I had neglected to address. Now it is up to me to rediscover what these parts of myself mean to me.
So where do I go from here? I am entering an unknown phase of my life. I am taking time to focus on myself, but consequently I am taking that time away from serving others. A part of me is so proud of myself for taking on the challenge of redefining my purpose, but at the same time I am battling my anger and disappointment. This transition is not yet complete. As much as I love creating change in society and the communities around me, I forgot how much I hate change within my own life. It has been so long since I've taken on something new that I forgot what it was like to be uncomfortable and inexperienced...and wow is it a scary way to feel! Life will always test us with hard decisions, and unfortunately many of those decisions will have repercussions. However the process of making those tough choices can be done without throwing me completely off balance.
Though I was unprepared to say the least, this summer has revealed so much to me. When I am with my friends and family I still want to be someone apart from my commitment to my community, and when I am serving my community I want to be a healthy, happy, and relatable person, too. I have this grief as if I am losing a part of myself as I begin this new chapter in my life, and I don't doubt that in a sense I am.